trouble sleeping

i'm having trouble sleeping. and therefore eating. Sleeping and eating are directly correlated. I have been sleeping normally, but I do feel that I have trouble sleeping. I sleep as I hit the sack, it'd be a deep content sleep. I love sleeping on my bed. But i feel like I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm creating my own problems again.

I feel uneasy, don't know of what. maybe because I think too much? People tend to think otherwise (that i think too little, or don't think in that sense). I do. I am just unable to articulate them. Its really hard to put what you are thinking in phrases, or in sentences. It makes it all seem so simplified, so banal, so straight. Eternalizing your thoughts is not always a good thing since you change it all the time (well I do, as evident in this blog). But yeah, I feel so uneasy.

Found my old diaries. I've been having questions, I've been uncontent, and questioning since as far as i can remember. Always wanting what I don't have. Its a lifestyle I've chosen maybe? but why? I've been raised to stand on my own. self sufficiency, self sufficiency, self sufficiency. which makes me a control freak. I find it very hard to feel. I think, all right. But feeling is such a fleeting sensation, and therefore impermanent and ever changing. I have been resisting changes the past decade. I THINK I need to be a masochist in order to FEEL. Isn't it just sad. People have been consoling me "You need to learn, you'll find someone who will make you feel, help you feel". How can I let someone help me if I don't FEEL for them in the first place? or even FEEL with them. Being too self sufficient does not help much either. I hate not knowing.

Since I FEEL that I haven't been sleeping well, I also cannot eat well. I have been eating well because I TELL myself to feel well....

Maybe I'm just being hard on myself. Always have been. Its a standard I set for myself, the one that has been set forth for me by everybody else too. It can be excessive sometimes.

Solution? Still can't find it. people say "be content, learn to appreciate". I FEEL like I need to do that, but I THINK that I don't. and head goes in front of heart. so there goes.